Summer of Freedom

I was addicted to pornography, self-gratification, and sexual immorality since the time I started puberty until I finished Setting Captives Free in the summer of 2007. Here's my story of how the Lord set me free.

Like many of my friends, I was enslaved to the point that I could not get free. I had no control over my desires and my actions when it came to pornography and sexual immorality. It owned me like I was its slave. I am reminded of the Psalmist:

10 Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom, prisoners suffering in iron chains 11 for they had rebelled against the words of God and despised the counsel of the Most High. 12 So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. Psalm 107:10-12

The eye is not satisfied with seeing nor the ear filled with hearing. Ecc. 1:8b

I can't count how many hours I wasted (definitely in the thousands) staying up late to view pornography on the TV or the computer. Also, I'm reminded of how long I'd spend with my fiancee, trying to please each other with our bodies. There are many lies of pornography, self-gratification, and sexual immorality that we justify to ourselves: It satisfies; it will relieve stress; it's just a natural expression of young men; everyone is doing it, so you should keep on doing it.

But one particularly heavy lie kept me under for so long. It's best explained as if it's telling me, "Matt, do you honestly think you can stop this? You've been stuck in this for almost a decade now. How dare you have the audacity to even think you can quit! Good luck trying, but there's nothing out there that can stop you from this. And if you try, I'll be burning you with desire like you've never felt before, and you'll give in like you always have."

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36

I didn't believe this verse even though I was in the church my entire life. I recognized that I'd always cry out to God, but because I wasn't willing to repent or turn from my sins, I continued in my sins. The following passage revealed to me that our God does not tolerate idolatry and sexual immorality.

7 I thought that after she had done all this she would return to me but she did not, and her unfaithful sister Judah saw it. 8 I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery. 9 Because Israel's immorality mattered so little to her, she defiled the land and committed adultery with stone and wood. Jeremiah 3:7-9

I always thought that our God was so unconditional that I could try really hard not to sin and justify continuing to go back to the Lord after sinning, asking for forgiveness. However, I'd abuse this forgiveness by returning to my sins soon, even that same night. Guilt is a horrible motivator.

So, my life was one of self-deprecation, self-loathing, self-pity, guilt, and shame. I only focused on myself and how I wasn't reading the Word, respecting my fiancée, or serving anyone to the standard that I had in my head that would be good enough for me to feel justified. I call this lifestyle failed legalism as I couldn't do anything spiritual well at all on my own, so all my efforts were in vain and ineffective in fighting sin. My failures were miserable and continuous. My self-pity was the only thing that made me sound spiritual, but there was no growth, maturing, or encouragement to other believers. All of this was fueled by sexual sin with my fiancée and a strong focus on me instead of on Jesus.

20Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21"Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? 22These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. Colossians 2:20-23

I tried everything except for complete submission to the Lord to stop my horrific 8 year long slavery. I tried rules, books, seminars, behavior modification counseling, support groups, but all were empty and had no power over the sin. Eventually, I started to confess my sins to close friends, and I even got a filter on my computer, but I continued to masturbate and indulge in my fiancée.

Finally, over the summer before my wedding (5 months to go), my fiancée became very frustrated with my behavior and disrespect towards God as she threatened to end the relationship. I began to cry out to God AND express desire to hate my sin AND be willing to turn from it, which he gave me. The Lord, by his grace, led me to Setting Captives Free (SCF). I came there primarily though to save my future marriage. How quickly the Lord corrected my motives! Soon, they were to glorify Him.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Mat. 7:7-8

I asked for grace, which I finally understood what it was. Grace is God's power to stop a sinner from sinning, no matter how long or how deeply ingrained the sin was in a persons life. I asked for dependence, not strength. Sometimes we ask God for strength to be able to fight sin on our own. But God revealed to me that I need to seek neediness and desire for Him.

And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Cor. 9:8

I also learned what faith was: That I had no other reason to believe I could be set free other than to take God for his word. I was so self-sufficient that I missed what having faith really was. And I didn't get it on my own, but God gave it to me.

The Lord also changed my desires. He gave me a heart that seeks after Him. SCF showed me how to read God's word. Before, I always struggled with reading because it bored me and I fell asleep, even though I was at church my whole life. It was another area of failed legalism. But through SCF, the Lord showed me what "feasting" is all about. We are all seeking fulfillment all day long. Many of us fall to pornography because we think it will fill us – but it is only temporary.

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
² Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
³ Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David. - Isaiah 55:1 – 3

God's water in Jesus is the only water that can satisfy. In Him, I can have rest and satisfaction. This is important because I'm no longer having to intensely resist temptation based on will power because the Lord is satisfying my heart. I desperately need the Lord and his Word as much and as often as I need physical food.

Did all of this cost me? Yes, it did. I lost my fiancée. She eventually decided to leave me as I had ruined any respect she had for me as a man of God. But now I see my life as a living sacrifice to God to be content in my singleness and help others who are struggling with sexual sin. He's given me a calling and a purpose now as I'm resting in Him by his grace. I now seek neediness and dependence for the Lord as his slave - all by His grace.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. ² Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-2

I will end with the rest of the passage from the Psalmist from my first scriptural quote. The Lord can and will set you free, indeed. Pornography is very powerful, and that's why our Lord had to die to free us from it's power.

13 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. 14 He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. 1 5 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, 16 for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron. Psalm 107:13-16

I hope you saw the following truths in my testimony:

1. God is so much more powerful than an addiction to pornography.
2. God's grace is the power to stop of sinner from sinning.
   
3. Jesus had to die to save us from our sins.